The time in which our starting points commence varies, differs from each other.
With different starting points, come different ending points too.
Just like the starting points, one would not have any knowledge of when will be their final moments of their lives, the end to the period of them breathing the air of the Earth, the precious final seconds of them having their hearts beating, the dreadful final moments in which one can have their veins pumping, filled with blood.
No one will know when their deadline will be.
The end of their life span.
She never really gave it much of a thought when people used to say “death is inevitable” or “we could die anytime” or even “Innalillahiwannailahirajiun.”
The sadness and grief that arise inside her every time death strikes, were inevitable, mostly because the thoughts of that particular person will no longer be present, no longer capable of continuing the rest of their lives in this world.
How odd, it is, when one breaks out of the cycle of life early, way early.
She too cried, out of fear, fearing that she will miss the memories of the missing person, as she couldn’t picture, how her life routine would be with someone spared out of it.
It would not be a routine anymore, wouldn’t it?
But never had she known, and never had she thought, that mourning over someone, was exactly the opposite to the things that she should do whenever death occurs.
She continued scrolling down the page of the news she was currently reading. Her eyes; she can feel them getting blurred and cloudy as they were transfixed to every bit of the sentences she read.
Then, there came the images and photos.
She knew herself as someone who was very easily affected by words- as she find how charmingly eloquent can words be, bringing her to a world where imaginations are limitless. But seeing the images…they depicted out her imaginations perfectly and even more lively and these images were something that she couldn’t think she could handle.
Because seriously, who in the world would want to see imaginations of their nightmares to come to real life?
And those were what she was looking at; the awful depictions of her nightmares.
Her fingers started to scroll even more quickly, wanting to skip the gruesome part of the article. But she stopped at one picture, the picture of a family, decked out in a harmony of green, probably taken during Eid ul Fitr.
She looked at the happy faces of the four males and two females in the picture.
Then she broke down.
She began to experience death of her closed ones ever since she was small, but ones that started to take impact on her was when she was 16. It was her aunt’s, unexpected really, because who knew a strong, healthy, flamboyant and independent figure of her aunt could pass away in a blink of an eye, all started from a series of diarrhea and collapses?
By then she learnt, even the strongest steel of a man, could falter.
It’s one of the commonest advices for an overseas student like her, to always, always keep in touch with their loved ones, find some time albeit the crazy, hectic schedule of theirs. Because you will regret the moment you have failed to spare some time for them.
She could never really fathom it, until it stroke her one day, during her third year in Egypt – that call, changed everything.
By then, she perfectly understood the regret that she once couldn’t comprehend.
The regrets built up inside her day by day ever since then. Sometimes, she could feel it so thick in the air; she was so suffocated with guilt. She found it really hard to break it to others, so she left it hung in silence.
Because, how can she explain the guilt that she felt, for failing to even say, “Stay well, nenek?”after almost 7 months away from Malaysia, all the while knowing that she was sick and still not able to contact her?
This time around, she learnt that she could never forgive herself, for the neglect that she did.
2014 was definitely something, she was not even halfway through it, but she knew very well that she had gotten herself 1001 life lessons that brought such huge impact on her.
She started to lose faith in the world, in humanity, when she learnt of the missing Malaysian airplane, MH370, as her shock initially after knowing about the appalling news, was soon replaced with anger and fury, as people started to point fingers at each other, theories of conspiracies came up, speculations were done by many- she couldn’t begin with about her disappointment in these people and how ridiculously unsolvable this tragedy could be.
She started to realize that death is really inevitable, when one of her college-mates; her junior, passed away after almost 2 weeks admitted into the hospital due to an accident that they were in while they were on their way to the airport, catching their flight back home to Malaysia.
Death is inevitable, and knew no difference of ages, races, genders, religions.
Death is inevitable, and she gathered that death had been long decided for everyone, ever since before we were born.
The ways people die are what differs.
Her disbelief and hurt deepened even more as the world was shocked again with the news of Gaza being attacked and harassed violently by the cruel Zionists. It was not new news, regarding the inhuman acts of the Zionists, but the thoughts of the attacks happened during Ramadhan, that was something she couldn’t understand.
But she realized, death was always, always over them, waiting to indulge them in; their lives at stake, and she knew the Palestinians have the biggest bravery and courage that she could ever imagine to face it.
Though she had believed that death had long been determined for everyone, she still couldn’t forgive the Zionists for blatantly and cruelly trying to diminish these innocent people off the land that shall never be owned by them.
The pang of sadness plummeted inside her when the tragedy of MH17 shot down by missiles took place. She swore that she was feeling heavy with disbelief, anger, fury- every emotions jumbled up – as once again, the countries- she was very much delighted to call them tyrants – pointing at one another, forcing them to take up the blame for the stupid mistake that have happened.
What is wrong with the world?
Are human lives that invaluable to you?
The tips of her fingers brushed away the hot salty water streaming down her face. She was too disappointed, very frustrated with how the world turned out to be at the moment.
She thought of the dead souls, and how death have had taken them away from the cruelness and the ridiculousness of the world.
She thought of how they were to be in the hands of God; something we shall never be worried of, as they were in the best hands, of their Creator.
Surely we belong to Allah, and to Him shall we return.
She thought of her time to come, she shivered at the thoughts of leaving the world unprepared.
She was dumbfounded.
Is she ready?
Will she ever be ready?
So she wept.
She wept for the lost souls, that could be hers too.
PERUBATAN Alexandria Chapter