Lily was never really someone who indulges in taking risks, gone all adventurous and doing something extraordinary, different from the old cycle of her routine.
She found nothing wrong with repeating the same cycle every day. She was very contented with the comfort and security that she got from it. As long as no harm was done, she was perfectly fine, she often thought to herself.
Or so she thought.
Throughout her life, never had she done anything remarkable, something that she can be proud of, to the least. She was a lot like a wallflower, just trying to get by each day, for the sake of living her days through.
The comfort and security that she thought she had, never really help in building her.
She found herself to be living in oblivion during the important phases of her life that was supposed to help in molding her to become someone with identity- adolescence, that is- so, just like the pollen flying from the willow by the wind during autumn, that’s what she did. She never really had a definite goal that she would want to achieve, she just let the turnouts of life took her.
After high school ended, she found herself to be gifted with offers extended to her, offering her incredible places and choices to pursue her studies.
For someone like her, who had spent most of her time being in the shadows, she found it to be really touching and appreciating; for once, she felt like she was finally recognized, and accepted.
She felt that maybe, she never has to be a wallflower anymore.
Maybe, she was good enough.
But given her lack of courage to belt out of the norm and secured comfort zone of hers, she chose the path that she thought was sufficient for her.
She never really considered about planning out her long-term life planning, her life goals that she would want to achieve- she never really gave it much of a thought, and she had never knew these tiny details would have affected her coming life journey.
Coming to Egypt, was an anticipating turn that her life had took. Never had she expected that she would be here in the land of Arabians- she often skipped her evening religious classes and she despised Arab lessons itself.
Never had she thought she would end up with Dentistry.
She had always wanted to go into Medicine (thanks to Shonda Rhimes who had effortlessly grew some of her love for that field) but she always thought that she might have killed someone with her incapability.
So that’s why she chose Dentistry itself.
You see, if only the lack of courage she possess could be deleted, maybe she would be in a different place, yes?
The early years of Dentistry were treating her nicely. It gave her the opportunity to not be the wallflower that she used to be, and she couldn’t thank God enough for giving her the chance to have a taste of success. She grew out of her shell, slowly, albeit the fear that still pooled inside her chest every now or so. She began to build a wall inside her, defending herself against her past, and she hoped that the wall inside will never have to falter.
But who could she kid- how can a wall be so strong if the base was not stabilized enough?
So that happened then. Because of her past failures that were haunting her, a little stumble on her road could spark up a conflict of thoughts and emotions inside her.
She was so afraid, very afraid of having to stumble back into her past that she would very much like to hide, that she had never realized that after all the nice treatments that she got for herself, she had grown to be a perfectionist.
How can the present her and the past her exist within the same body, the same soul?
So she started to have battle of thoughts within, sometimes the battles that occurred affected her deeply, it brought her newfound self-confidence to be shrunken with every mistake that she done.
She began to have doubts, she began to lose the strong, solid steps she used to take, and she began to lose her newfound faith in herself.
She started to lose herself.
She had retreated to be the wallflower that she once was.
How can a complex person like her survived?
These battles of thoughts often took her down the road of contemplating things. She started to question herself, “What if I took the other offers before?”, “What if I think carefully and thoroughly about the things I would want to do, maybe I will never have to be in this hell hole, yes?” or “What if I stopped things now and proceed with new arrangements?”, “What if I was never good enough?”
There were definitely of what-ifs.
Lily drew a heavy breath before closing her eyes. The comfort she got as a result of her snuggling into the big red cushion beneath her, causing her to fell into a slumber, not wanting to face the imperfections and failures her life had took once again.
A little nudge on her knee woke her up from her escaping-slumber. Not wanting to move any inch, she just gave her friend a questioning look.
“I’m a fading flower, Jo. Can’t you see?”
Jo just smiled sadly.
Nobody would like to see their friend to switch into a self-destruction mode, again.
“Just keep on moving.”
“What can guarantee that there will be no more failures, Jo?”
“Why should I?”
“Because heaven’s got a plan for you.”
5th year dentistry
PERUBATAN Cawangan Iskandariah